I’ve been spending a lot of time at home lately. I’m not alone, because the baby is with me, but even though I love her, she isn’t great company.
I haven’t felt so lonely since finishing university in the mid noughties. That was when I left my friends, my boyfriend, and the best time of my life (so far) to move hundreds of miles back home. It left me distraught, depressed, and wondering if life would ever pick up again. What I feel when I spend all day with just my daughter for company isn’t as bad as that. At least I know my husband will come home soon, or the babysitter will arrive, or I’ll be able to meet a friend for coffee. But I’m used to having a lot more conversation than I get. I’m used to having the background noise of people around me.
A walk in the park, or a trip to the shops can alleviate the symptoms but when I get back it’s still just me and her. I miss my husband. I miss talking to someone who understands me and can answer back with real sentences. For all the joy contained in my daughter’s gurgles, it doesn’t make up for the lack of a good friend.
I watch TV for companionship. I listen to music and sing along. I try to keep my home filled with voices. When did I get so sociable?