I erred over the title of this. It was a close call between ‘competence’ and ‘confidence’ but really, the former is more important and it better reflects my feelings at this time. I have been wavering. I have been worrying.
I had a job interview. The description sounded good, I felt I had the right stuff, and I don’t think I did too badly at the interview despite feeling as though my heart and lungs were going to bust out of my ribcage. It has now been several days and there is no news. I am almost certain I didn’t get it. This is sad, and yet it is also a relief, because my success would have meant more scary situations and more stress. Could I really do what I claimed I could? Could I really cope with all that?
It’s all horseshit really. Of course I could. I have qualifications and a CV full of job history that says, “Of course you could!” And yet, here I am in my mid-thirties, wavering. Feeling like I’ve dodged a bullet somehow by not getting hired. I am a wimp, but I’ve been a wimp for a long time now and I’m not sure it will ever leave me.
Every qualification, every challenge met, every compliment… nothing changes me. In my heart, when I’m not scared about anything, I know I am competent. But it is so easy to doubt. It’s so easy to question everything. “Can I do this? Is this really right for me? Should I be making other plans? Should I give up and just be a housewife?”
Now I am wavering over my assertion in the second sentence. Is competence really more important than confidence? How does one get by without them both? Can I just decide one day to be confident in my abilities?
Merde. Life is hard.