Archive

mental-health

I knew it had been a while since I posted but – crumbs – over a month!? I think life is like that for everyone, regardless of where you fall on or off the autism spectrum, but what’s been going on?

Well, I’m still adjusting to life with my daughter at school. The schedule changes; the frequent demands for cake sale or fair contributions; the need to prepare for and attend children’s birthday parties; organising playdates… it’s enough to make me miss wine, and beer, and cocktails.

Also, I’ve been on an antenatal refresher course, which was great, but now I have another group of people to get to know with even more social demands.

And let’s not forget the friends I had before, who I’m also mindful of neglecting.

O, and trying to get work done, and attend all my medical appointments, and the volunteering, and housework, and trying to decorate my daughter’s new room, and think about what we need to prepare before the baby comes…

OK, you get it. I’m stressed. My ebb and flow has ebbed off and there is no sign of a return. I’m writing this with one eye on the clock because it’s nearly school pick up time.

With no access to alcohol for at least another couple of months, and thereafter very restricted access due to (hopefully) breastfeeding, it’s time to turn to healthier ways to unwind.

Step one will be to actually listen to the hypnobirthing audio tracks I’ve downloaded. Step two will be to get a massage (booked for next Monday – hooray!). Step three, which should probably be called Step 0.5 because it’s actually going to happen before Step 1, will be to chat with my husband and enjoy my yoga class this evening.

And breathe…

Feel free to post your own relaxation tips in the comments, or just vent if you’re stressed too!

Advertisements

They say pride comes before a fall and this week I am feeling the truth of it. Last week I was practically exploding with pride because I’d talked to a few new people when doing the school drop off. This week, I am feeling lonely again and pretty low.

What I remembered this week is that, being surrounded by so many people in the playground makes me scared to make eye contact. When I arrive in the morning or afternoon now, it’s so busy, and even if I see one of the mothers I spoke to last week, they’re invariably in conversation with someone else. So, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and a bit like a failure again.

Before my daughter started at school, I would at least be able to talk to relatives when they came to collect her for babysitting, and the people at nursery who took care of her. Now, I speak to no-one, almost every day. Last night, to complete the loneliness, my husband went out for the evening and didn’t even send me a text message to say when he was coming home.

OK, I know that he knew I’d be in bed when he came back and he doesn’t like to wake me. Even so, I felt awful. Today, rather than moping again, I am trying to pick myself back up.

I’ve arranged a play date. I’ve arranged to start volunteering again at a local school. I’ve got relatives coming over tomorrow, and I’ve invited my sister and nephew to come on Friday. I’ve also left a message with a friend about meeting for coffee.

Each of these steps was difficult to take. I’m in the middle of a self-pity pit right now, and that makes it harder to climb out. Part of me feels like the loneliness can’t be fixed, because I know the Asperger’s can’t be fixed. In fact, I know from past experience that if I make an effort, things can improve.

I am trying to focus on what I do have, not what I don’t. How are you feeling this week?

After the other week’s anxious exchange, and even more anxious rushing to meet some deadlines, I am in the happy position of being able to say “I did it!”.

I did not offend my client. She is still in touch and keen to keep working with me. The cherry on the top is that, so far, she is also pleased with my work. Naturally, I am still a bit anxious, after all, the project isn’t entirely over yet! My next hurdle will be to negotiate phase 2 of the work.

But, I am happy to have had some success, and I am happy not to be in such a rush at the moment. It’s very easy for people like me to skip between worries without stopping to appreciate, or celebrate, when something comes to fruition or goes well. For example, I am currently worrying about three separate issues, but I’m trying not to.

Last Thursday I met two big work deadlines and on Friday I celebrated with my daughter, sister, and nephew, and lots of cupcakes and gingerbread men. I can tell you, after some long, stressful weeks, salted caramel never tasted so good!

So, what’s next? I still have plenty to do but I don’t want to keep worrying about it all. I want to move forwards with confidence, because actually, I do sometimes know what I’m doing.

Let me remember the salted caramel a little longer.

Here’s a question for you: Is losing sleep always a bad thing, or can it be a good thing?

Normally, having missed many hours throughout my life thanks to anxiety-related insomnia and then having a child, I wouldn’t even think about it. There was no doubt in my mind that losing sleep was one of the worst things that could happen to me. Yes, I know, I could be horribly injured under a bus or my country might declare war and there are countless other things that really are worse…

But to me, because my sleep is so often disrupted, I felt that losing sleep was the absolute nadir of my existence. I go to bed early every night in a desperate attempt to get enough hours. Yet I often wake up feeling sluggish and slow, wondering why my daughter got me up three times or why my husband chose that night to snore so loud. Last night I lay awake for three hours worrying about a possible new client project.

And yet…

Today, well, I still felt a bit slow in the morning. And I did accidentally pour gone off milk into my husband’s tea before I realised. But I’ve also got a lot done and I feel happier and more competent than I have for ages. I’ve been to medical appointments (don’t worry – just routine), I’ve got work done, I’ve emailed that possible new client who I’m still a bit scared of, and I’ve even mowed the lawn. (This may not seem a big deal to you but it was my first time – I was too scared to try).

Consequently, I am starting to wonder, is it really worth going to bed so early? If my body has the energy to keep awake for three hours between 2 and 5am and I still manage to perform better than average, maybe I didn’t actually need those hours at all? Maybe my body wakes more because it knows it can and should be doing more in the day and it’s just getting annoyed with my brain for making it shut down early? Maybe, sleep is not the answer I am looking for?

How do you feel when you lose sleep?

After last week’s sorrow, I am relieved to say I’m feeling better. The problem I wrote about hasn’t gone away, and I know it never will, but I’m feeling stronger anyway.

If I’d had a wobble like that 15 years ago, I would still be in the grip of it now. Time does not cure Asperger’s, but it does give us the opportunity to get better at living with it!

Something that helped me come out of that fog, was the simple act of hitting ‘publish’ on that blog post. The likes I got after were much appreciated. So, my recovery was initiated entirely by people taking the time to press a few buttons. I took the time, and so did you. With the internet between us, these tiny movements are enough to make a big difference.

We hear a lot about people causing trouble for others online, but not so much about all the good things that get done. Simple things that take seconds, like adding your name to a petition, making a charitable donation, or showing someone you took the time to read what they wrote. And for people with Asperger’s, or other conditions that put limitations on communicating, the internet is really a lifeline.

Thank you.

Yesterday I was forced to open up to a stranger, in a way that I found painful and embarrassing. I went to my local hospital to take a look at their birthing unit, and as I sat in one of their birthing rooms, listening to the joyful stories of people who’d given birth there, I started to cry. Once I’d started, I couldn’t stop. I was reliving the birth of my daughter, and the trauma, and feeling of having let her down came washing over me.

Consequently, the nice midwife who was showing everyone around, took me aside for a private chat. It reminded me of my counselling sessions when I was a teenager. The midwife was so lovely and helpful, but I just felt weak and awful. I didn’t want to talk about my pain. I didn’t want to dwell on those memories. She offered to give me some numbers of people to call and talk to, but I didn’t want those either.

Today, the sadness is still fresh, and I find myself deliberating about who I could talk to. How do you reach out to people when you hate reaching out?

My husband is busy at work. My best friend has her own problems to deal with now. My other friend wouldn’t understand. My mother, father and sister… just no. I never could open up to them. Every option I have feels wrong and alien. And yet the thought of calling a stranger at a charity is even worse.

And so, I’m sending this into the ether. A letter to anyone and no-one, with apologies because this is meant to be an upbeat blog.

After last week’s optimism, this week has thrown me a curve ball. My diary is pulling me in different directions and that’s a lot for my brain to handle. On Monday I had two appointments, two more today, a playdate tomorrow, and I don’t yet know if I’m needed for volunteering on Thursday.

I realise my schedule still makes for light reading, especially compared with many others. I know my husband’s days are often filled with meetings, phone calls and other distractions that get in the way of ‘actual work’. But for me, even my relatively easy schedule is hampering my thought process and productivity. My question is this:

How am I supposed to get stuff done when I have all this stuff to do?

People on the autism spectrum are generally known for preferring a steady routine. Chopping and changing, making ‘casual’ ad-hoc arrangements, and attending unusual or awkwardly timed appointments do not put us in our happy place. Each little alteration to the schedule creates worry and stress. It’s like putting a brick wall in the way, while we were enjoying our walk, thank you very much!

So – for the foreseeable future – my stress levels are continuing. My brain is doing its best to keep up with all the important stuff I have to do, as well as the distractions, but I know I’m not functioning at my best and that is so frustrating.

It’s times like these that I envy my husband. He has a career, and while his job may be annoying at times, at least he is working in an office with a single overarching focus. My own time has been split into what feels like hundreds of strands of focus, ever since I first quit full time employment to become a mother.

But I can’t blame motherhood for all the fragmentation. It was my choice to study accountancy. It was my choice to take two voluntary positions. It was my choice to take on work as a freelance editor, and it was also my choice to write a blog and enter short story competitions. As for the cooking, shopping, housework, and child-care arrangements, well I’m just kind of stuck with those. It didn’t make sense for my husband to be the stay-at-home parent.

So, as you can see, there’s no real cure for this fragmentation. It is merely a busy period that I have to get through, before the next one hits. If I weren’t pregnant, I would certainly treat myself to a glass of wine to help my brain switch off. But I am, so… any tips?