Tag Archives: fear

I can’t remember what made me think of it, but something reminded me yesterday of my university experience. Technically, I should say “experiences” because there were two; two universities and two very different experiences. My best analogy for that part of my life is that uni no.1 was like being in a chrysalis and uni no. 2 was the fun part where I got to be a sort of butterfly.

Of course, it wasn’t quite that simple.

My three years as an undergraduate had taught me that I needed to change. I couldn’t spend every day of my life hiding from the world. I felt the need to do something drastic, to force a change in me. So, I went abroad to teach for a few weeks. When I returned, I knew I could do better than I had as an undergraduate. Buoyed up, I went to uni no. 2.

I didn’t really have a strategy. I just knew I’d have to do some very uncomfortable things to make my life better. At uni no. 1 I’d avoided the communal kitchen. I ate cold food in my room most days. I bought any dairy goods I wanted fresh each day so that I wouldn’t bump into anybody by going to the fridge. I feared the kitchen because anyone could come in and then I’d have to try and talk to them, or, more likely, ignore them and wish the earth would swallow me whole. When I got to uni no. 2, with the advantage of a smaller shared flat, I decided I’d have to stake out the kitchen.

Staying in the kitchen that day was one of the most painful and difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I was there for most of the afternoon, and many hours in the evening, attempting to get to know my new flatmates. I was at civil war with my brain, wanting to leave, forcing myself to stay. If I had not stayed that first day, I would have lost my nerve. I would have made a bad first impression, and that would have made every other day so much harder. Sometimes you really do have to force a change.

Thanks to that risk I made friends that year, found love, and laid the foundations for a life that was so much better than I’d ever imagined possible. It did not make my life perfect, or easy, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Since that time I’ve taken many social risks. I’ve done internet dating, ran a social media café (way too much socialising and stress!), been to house parties and work events, arranged dinner parties, attended job interviews, stayed with my husband’s uni friends and their children (millions of people in one house – aagh!), made all sorts of phone calls that I was scared about, attended and hosted playdates and children’s birthday parties (double aagh!)…

Have you ever needed to force a change? How did you get on?


When I was a kid I thought there was a monster waiting behind my bedroom door. I’d lie in bed staring at the door, imagining I could see the shape of something horrific lurking behind it, ready to do whatever it is monsters do when you shut your eyes and let your guard down.

If I had opened the door, I would have seen there was nothing there (hopefully).

What actually happened is that I was too scared to check, and was afraid of going to bed and falling asleep for a long time. I also used to believe there was a ghost chasing me up the stairs at night, but that’s a digression…

Last week I wrote about being afraid of ruining my child’s life with my Aspergers. It was a different kind of monster behind another door.

I mentioned my worries to my husband and that has helped me get things in perspective. I no longer believe I am ruining my daughter’s life just because I have a non-NT way of thinking. My husband also researched the early signs of autism and Aspergers (as my other worry was that I’d passed it on).

So far, she seems to be free of AS, but I feel better knowing what to look out for, and knowing that if she does have it, I will be able to help her understand herself.

I feel so much better now that I’ve looked behind the door!