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I am feeling much better than I did when I wrote my last post. Thanks to those readers who made the effort to click ‘like’ – you madeĀ a big difference to my mood!

Last night I was at a yoga class, and the music my instructor chose for our meditation at the end had me in tears. This is not unusual, she often seems to pick something that makes me well up. I have always been a very emotional person, and I’ve always found that can be difficult to manage. Last night I started to wonder if people with Asperger’s are more prone to anxiety simply because they have such strong, deep feelings. Do we suffer from excess emotion? Or is it just my reproductive cycle causing problems that have nothing to do with Asperger’s?

My husband, an NT, doesn’t share my deep-seated fears and concerns. He is almost always calm, buoyant, and reliably reassuring. I know that’s not a ‘man thing’, because I know many men who aren’t the same. He is my life raft. I know there are braver folk than me out there, getting on with all sorts of complications with no one at their side. Or worse, someone awful at their side, who just isn’t helpful. I am lucky he is so unflappable.

But why all the introspection? I could be far more worried about America, or Aleppo for that matter! But what I am questioning now is, am I strong enough to re-engage with the strongest, most frightening emotions I have ever experienced? I am considering becoming a mother again.

So, today I am hoping to reach out to other Aspie parents. Do you have a second child? Are you considering that leap? I’d be interested to hear another perspective.

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This weekend I’ll be travelling to stay with some of my husband’s university friends for a two-day ‘party’ in their palatial new home. I’ve known these people for seven years and there are usually at least two of these events a year. Weekends filled with people (about 20 adults usually) and now an abundance of children too. Seven children in fact – and two ‘bumps’. It was only fairly recently that I managed to get through a whole weekend with them without crying, or feeling a desperate need to escape.

Since having my daughter I’ve started to relax a bit more. I feel a little more like I belong with them, and I’ve no idea why. Somehow, being a mother makes me more legitimately human. Do I associate being a mother with being normal? Before I was just myself, the Aspie of the group, the one who was not normal.

The more I consider it the more I think that motherhood has become the ultimate camouflage for me. I’m a wife and a mother, so I must be normal, right? That’s what I hope everyone thinks. But after seven years they must be getting used to me too. Perhaps my idiosyncracies blended away before I got as far as the pregnancy. Maybe it was only my perception that didn’t change, until now.