self-confidence | Acceptable Face

Following on from my last post’s sluggish determination, I write to you now from the other side. My energy levels are better. I can eat normal food again. My mood is better. But when I look back I can see how annoyed I was with my body – I felt it had let me down.

At yoga, we have been focusing on “ahimsa” these last few weeks. The principle of doing no harm – not only to others, but also to ourselves. It got me thinking about a trait which I believe is common to those with Asperger’s, and many others as well. We get cross with our limitations. We are saddened by our own selves. If we’re not careful, we can learn to hate ourselves.

I went to a wedding last weekend, and met lots of people I knew as well as a few new faces. For an Aspie, this is hard work. For a pregnant Aspie who has to stay sober, it proved to be rather painful. For about 12 hours I was trying to enjoy myself, make small talk, follow conversations, dance, and generally look like someone who fitted in at the party. All the while, a little nagging voice was making me doubt my every move and word. I wasn’t happy with my hair, my dress, or my shoes. I felt dowdy and frumpy with my bump and low heels, next to countless glamorous and willowy, confident women. I got stuck when I tried to talk to people. I had to take a few breaks, where I sat alone in the bar hoping no one would notice me and think “what’s that weirdo doing?”.

What an utter waste of a party.

My other half had good fun but I think he was a bit worried about me too.

So, I have not been very kind to myself these last few weeks. I have been sad because of my changing shape, and yes, I know carrying a baby is a wondrous and miraculous thing but I really do miss my waist.

Even so, I don’t want to turn into the person I used to be. The one who was too scared to talk to anyone. The one who cried herself to sleep most nights wondering why she was such a failure as a human being.

I must refocus on ahimsa. Happiness does not exclusively come from being a size 8 party animal, despite what popular culture tells us.

Do you fall into the negativity trap?

Not to be confused with my last post, (where I considered the Aspie’s perception of themselves versus their culture), today I am thinking about how we get to where we are now.

I still assume that many people will perceive me as a mousy, quiet, under-achiever who hasn’t really ‘made it’. At the same time, I’m employed as a company Director, and I’m training to become a qualified management accountant. I have two degrees, and I’m a mum.

I recently passed another exam and yet, here I am, still wondering if this is me. I feel under-qualified. I feel a hint of embarrassment using my Director’s email signature. I am still playing lackey to other people in the same company.

When I think about my career path, it feels like some strange accident has put me in this position. I still remember the awful feeling of not gelling with teams, of knowing my managers didn’t think I was up to the job. I have carried this ‘fish out of water’ sensation with me for the last 11 years.

It’s ridiculous, but I still lose confidence so easily.

I’m glad I kept trying. I will keep doing that.

—Acceptable Face

A personal perspective on life with Aspergers

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