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Over a month since my last blog post here and when I saw the title I thought, ‘O yeah – still waiting for that!‘.

Today I am using a sunlight lamp to perk me up, as well as the usual ridiculous quantity of coffee. I am in the uneasy position of having (or at least feeling like I have) a million tiny things to keep in my mind. Lots of little jobs, and little ideas that I have to keep and dispense at just the right time. I rather envy my toddler now. She is living in the moment, every second of the day. I am in some kind of stasis, always doing much less than I’m thinking about.

Last night I saw some kids playing football in the street and I had a sudden longing for being on holiday, and drinking white wine. Perhaps this is nothing to do with my life and everything to do with the fact that January is a notoriously depressing month. Christmas is dead. Work is back on at full tilt. The weather mostly sucks. My studies have resumed and they are still difficult.

On the plus side, it is nearly my toddler’s 2nd birthday, so I get to make a cake and have a party and watch her happy little face enjoy all the details that I had to plan.

I think we are all still waiting for that ‘wave’. At least we are not alone.

PS. I realised after writing the sentence above, that actually many Aspies do feel alone and isolated, even if they know that in a logical way they aren’t. If you are feeling alone, please reach out, even if it’s only via Facebook to a friend or acquaintance who can sympathise with whatever you’re feeling. That’s just what I did when I had a bad evening recently and a few words of reply made a huge difference.

If you read the last post you’ll probably be stunned to see that I made it to the other side (if there really is such a definitive thing as the other side). My meeting went really well, an event I attended also went well, and the ebook is nearly finished.

With the absence of immediate danger I’m feeling pretty relaxed about the whole ‘new client/gaining notoriety’ thing. There are now only a couple of small challenges to get out of the way (this evening and Monday) and then I can get back to my old habits. Picking up the work I had to drop a few weeks ago when my whirlwind started, and enjoying more ‘down time’.

To complete the analogy I started in the title (even though I don’t surf) I’m near the shore, the wave is much smaller now, but I haven’t fallen off yet. I’m looking forward to getting out of my wet suit and going inside for a hot chocolate.

Hopefully that’ll also mean I can get back to writing more varied blog posts, instead of harping on about stress, not being able to do everything I need to do, and being tired.

In the meantime I’d like to thank the people who’ve commented on and liked recent posts. Even for Aspies, a little online engagement is always gratifying.

I’m worried this could turn into a post full of complaints about how awful it is when things go well, or how stressful it might be if I was really successful. That’s going to make me sound like an idiot. I would be an idiot. Let me explain a few things and hopefully you won’t just think I’m nuts…

What I mean by success

In this instance, I mean success in my job. This includes winning new projects and clients, gaining notoriety in my field, and getting books published in my own name.

I’ve recently won some new business. I’ve also been commissioned to write an ebook. Next week I have a meeting with another potential client. These are all marks of success and they’re the kind of thing I’d like to encourage. At the same time, I’ve been thinking about the price of the success I want.

Success can bring stress, just like failure

I’m aware that my situation in life is much, much better than it is for many other people. Some people can’t afford to eat. I’m stressed out because I may have a new client. There’s a world of difference but I still find myself worrying about these things.

Meeting new people and developing professional relationships

If my meeting goes well it will lead to further contact. This means worrying about how to communicate and continuing to make a good impression. This takes time and energy.

The initial meeting is always particularly worrying. I don’t have smart work wear anymore – only maternity things. I don’t like expressing myself vocally – it’s harder than writing.

Gaining notoriety

Gaining notoriety means I’m more likely to get new clients and new work. See above for reasons why this stresses me.

Getting books published in my own name

This feeds into the notoriety issue. It’s my name, out there in the public domain. Anyone can see it and say “O, I know her from…”, or, “this is terrible – she should quit!”, or, “so you do this for a living but you wrote about this? Hmm.”

My mortal enemy

I hate stress. Out of all the people who’ve ever been mean to me or annoyed me, stress is still my biggest enemy. I used to worry that I worried too much. Now I just worry about doing things that I think will make me worry. Pretty stupid, right?

But despite all this whingeing, I shall be going to my meeting next week, and getting the ebook finished and published. That’s life. Being terrified doesn’t get you out of stuff – it’s not a sick note. It’s not a good enough reason to let yourself down either.